Revisiting the Mind.
It’s not that I want to or need to forget what had happened, that would defeat the purpose of going through something that had changed me. It would be ignoring what had happened and essentially, I would be ignoring my feelings and thoughts. I’d be ignoring the person that matters to me most – myself.
I’m not quite ready to share the details of my story, but I’m ready to tell you that I’ve made some great strides and revelations over the past month. What had happened has been stored deep within my soul. The thought was always there and when the subject somehow came up, I’d talk about it nonchalantly. Again, pushing my mind to the side.
Six months ago, I decided to stop taking my fluoxetine (40mg) as my husband and I were open to the idea of becoming pregnant. We had previously discussed this with my doctors and knew it was in the best interest for everyone. So, we hoped and prayed. My husband kept his eyes peeled for the warning signs and nothing really popped up. I was a more loving wife with emotions again. I could feel, I was strong. I thought it was gone for good, that I had beaten anxiety. Then, it snuck up on me, quick and hard after four months of freedom.
The fall was a hard one. With each fall, I pick up new symptoms, new nervous ticks from the anxiety and panic attacks. It’s both harder and easier to get through it. I’ve been struggling to get back on my feet for two months now. Two weeks ago, the truth behind my anxiety came out. It came from a relationship from 10 years ago. So now, I’m revisiting the past and trying to find a way to deal with it – to make it okay in my mind. I’m now facing what I didn’t face 10 years ago. So here I am, pushing through the past to enjoy the present. Now, to schedule a day for grief, tears and pain . . .