Tomorrow is the day. It’s the day that I scheduled to face the past. It wasn’t scheduled on purpose, it just so happens that I already had the day off and what better way to spend the day than to dedicate it to myself? I’m nervous and terrified to face the past but I know that I need to accept myself in order to live a happy, healthy life.
I thought I’d share a little background because tomorrow, I do plan on sharing the story. I can’t wait to release it into the world.
My childhood life is one from dreams – it was nearly perfect. And yes, I am bragging a little. I’m extremely close with my family and have beautiful memories that will eventually be passed on to my children. I was always a little quiet and off exploring the world on my own. Though, I didn’t have much self confidence. Who knows why? It could just be the way my brain works. It seems as though my brother is very similar. Self doubt and always wanting, striving to be perfect. I never realized how similar our personalities were until recently. Anyway, a good, solid childhood with a little self doubt.
Throughout junior high school and high school, I went through your typical feuds with my girlfriends. All of that cliquey stuff that happens when you’re a teenage girl. The wall to protect yourself slowly starts building as your trust is broken again and again. This stuff happened to everyone, right? The desire to fit in, to be liked by your friends, by everyone? But as my psychologist told me recently, I’m sensitive. I remember every wrong that has been done to me. And this is true, oh so true. I can tell you vivid details of certain hurtful moments from friends all the way back to the days of making dirt pies. Terrible, right? I’m sure there is a beautiful side to being sensitive – I’m a people pleaser. The joy of making other people happy fills the self doubt in me. It may not always be the healthiest thing. I know this now but it’s how my brain works. As I’m sure, it’s how the brains of most anxious people works. I’m a sensitive old soul that takes every single moment in and stores it somewhere in a filing cabinet in my brain. (Yup, just like the cartoons.)
So, hold on tight until tomorrow.