Blueberrie Blues

Blueberrie Blues is an anonymous blog, a safe place, for me to share a part of my life without holding anything back. With my story, I plan to discuss a quiet topic in our world, mental health. No judgments here, just love, hope and God.

The purpose of a nightmare.

Two nights ago, I had a horrific nightmare (well, multiple.) And they have left me with an upset stomach and a massive headache. One in particular was me brutally killing a girl with a piece of glass. I cut off her arms and her legs and I have this vivid image of her wiggling helpless on the ground. It was terrifying. My husband had to wake me from my sleep because I was having a panic attack with uncontrollable breathing. Needless to say, it was hard to fall back into sleep after a nightmare like that. I laid there for a couple of hours with anxiety running through my body. I couldn’t shake it. Throughout the day, the nightmare kept popping up in my head. I was incredibly sad. A friend had asked if I looked up the interpretation of my dream. This is what I found via Dream Moods:

“To dream that you have committed a murder indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.”

It’s weird, isn’t it, that our minds deal with things in the dream world when we can’t handle them in the real world? I can only hope that this dream was a way to release the pain and hurt I feel over the rape so many years ago. I wish you all happy dreams for nights to come…

Love,
BB

PS. I also found this dream forum interesting. I also want to note that I am NOT a violent person. I let spiders live when I find them in my house. 🙂 And, I’ve always had a strong memory of my dreams. It’s a curse. :/

 

 

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When nightmares consume us, let love embrace us.

The thought – the memory has not been released from my mind. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve shared my story with the WordPress community and my husband. The love and support I have received from my husband has been nothing short of amazing. He believes in me. He knows my strength and is amazed at how far I’ve come in this life with what had happened. So, when will my heart let it rest?

This morning, I woke early, shaking from a nightmare, another rape-mare. It was completely different than any that I’ve had in the past. I just laid there awake, trying to brush it off and my husband woke and held me tightly with loves embrace. It’s just frustrating – it hurts. This incident, the entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend messed with my mind and character. It’s obviously still in there, trying to make it’s way out. I’ve had headaches on and off since mid-August and my eye hasn’t stopped twitching. I wake up chilled, almost shivering, nearly every morning.

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So, I continue my venture to create peace in my mind. How do we do this? Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years that I obviously need reminded of:

Breathe. Take deep, long breaths, in and out, through the nose.
Medicate. Don’t be ashamed to take medicine. Some of us need them because of the low levels of serotonin produced in the brain.
Speak to a professional. Doctors are trained to help walk you through the steps, don’t be afraid or ashamed.
Exercise daily! Whatever it is that makes you feel like you’ve worked your ass off, do that. And enjoy it.
Practice yoga and meditation.My doctor recommends meditating 3 times a day for 5-10 minutes at a time.
Replace a negative with a positive. It’s easier to keep a journal near by to remind yourself why you’re so amazing!
Eat healthy.The less carbs/sugar, the better. Our minds get a little sugar rush when consuming these things and this can effect a person with anxiety when you come off of that sugar high.
Think logically.Come up with a plan and stick to it. When we have anxiety, we’re typically not thinking logically.
Surround yourself with beauty and happiness.A perfect dose of fresh air in the beauty of nature does a mind good.
Allow yourself to be embraced by love. Have a support system. You’re friends and family are there to help you get through this and become a better you. They see your good qualities and strength. Positive, healthy relationships are key.
Let yourself feel. One of the hardest things I’m dealing with is allowing myself to relive, to feel the past since I didn’t deal with it when it happened. Maybe I wasn’t ready for it? When you are, open up and be free. This isn’t your burden to carry.
Stay busy.There is a happy balance that needs to be made with the above statement. If you can’t handle what you’re going through or are going through extreme anxiety, do this until you are strong enough to face reality.
Smile and laugh.Because it’s fun and once you fake it – it’s easier to become a reality – or whatever that saying is.
Let God guide you.Obviously, depending on your faith, do what you need to do. I choose to believe in God. He is your best friend and is there to walk you through anything and everything with His grace and love.
Cut the caffeine. Let’s be smart – caffeine makes your heart race.

Love,
BB.

Please note:

Disclaimer: This blog is of my personal opinion based on my experiences. The techniques, strategies, and suggestions expressed here are intended to be used for educational and discussion purposes only. I am not rendering medical advice, nor intending to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. It is imperative that before beginning any nutrition or exercise program you receive full medical clearance from a licensed physician. Blueberrie Blues claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material presented here.

It’s out of your control.

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Inspiring words by the amazing, Rob Dyrdek via Instagram. Remind yourself to let go, relax and LIVE.

Love,
BB.

He Raped Me.

Wow, three little words that instantly bring tears to my eyes when I see them typed out; he raped me. And I now have the strength and courage to acknowledge this.

He was a boyfriend. The morning after I moved into my college dorm room for my freshman year of college, I met him. I met my first real boyfriend. He fell in love with me quick and hard – two weeks after meeting, he was already dropping “I love you” with ease. I however, had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had no idea what love was, I was a shy, innocent 18 year old girl who had the world at my fingertips. And of course, I was easily persuade. Within a few weeks, I was responding to his love with love.

We were together for 8 months before my first time having sex, just after my 19th birthday. I always thought I would save sex for marriage as I was raised catholic and thought it was a sacred act, a gift. He was my second kiss and my first love. The first time, I cried, we cried. It was painful but beautiful. I thought I knew what I was doing with him, that I would spend my life with this man. I had no idea that I was under his control the whole time, from day one. The second time happened a month or two later, it hurt, I still bled. Summer came around and we went to a concert together and saw one of my favorite bands perform. After the show, we went back to his house that he was renting with 4 other girls and went to his room and that’s when it happened.

We had sex and it felt amazing! Finally, right? But then, he wanted more. We started again and I couldn’t do it, I had to go to the bathroom. The girls were up watching TV as I passed them. It hurt, it hurt to pee. It brought tears to my eyes. I slowly walked upstairs, back to that tiny room that was the size of a closet. I laid down and told him that it hurt. I couldn’t do it anymore. He got up and put a condom on. I can still picture this moment in my head. The memory is so vivid. The walls were blue, there was enough room for a dresser and a twin bed. He didn’t even have a frame or box springs, so we were practically laying on the floor. Ugh, that image of him putting the condom on absolutely disgusts me. I saw it so much during our relationship and I completely understand why it freaks me out to even touch them today. After he got it on, he walked over and laid down on top of me. I had my hand covering my vagina and I kept saying, “no, I can’t, it hurts.” He pushed my hand aside and put himself inside me. I looked off into the distance with tears running down my face. It continued for a few minutes until he looked at me and saw my face full of tears. He stopped. I don’t remember the conversation that followed. All I remember was going to the bathroom again, to make sure I wouldn’t get a bladder infection. I walked pass his roommates again, in pain.

The next few days are blurry to me. I remember waking up at my parents house at 2am from a nightmare that he was raping me. I was being raped in my dreams. At this point, I hadn’t even defined it as rape, I was confused. He loved me, right? A dear friend of mine was up early that morning. I had told him of my dream and he thought it was weird. Why would I have a dream like that? I then, somehow, told him what had happened a few days prior. He told me what I didn’t want to hear; it was rape. And that’s when my life changed, I had been raped by a man that loved me. If only I would have trusted my gut instinct and ran far, far away on the day we met.

I will, with time, share more. But this is a start. This is the major heartache that I carry deep inside of me and that’s why I’m sharing it here. I need to get it out. I need to remember and I need to accept that this really did happen. I’ve been holding this story in for 10 years and am finally releasing it to the world in hopes that it will not only help me but maybe help another. We are all strong enough to face our fears, our past, our deepest darkest secrets. Bring them out into the world. Be the voice – our world is too silent about these subjects.

Love,
BB

Sensitive Souls.

Tomorrow is the day. It’s the day that I scheduled to face the past. It wasn’t scheduled on purpose, it just so happens that I already had the day off and what better way to spend the day than to dedicate it to myself? I’m nervous and terrified to face the past but I know that I need to accept myself in order to live a happy, healthy life.

I thought I’d share a little background because tomorrow, I do plan on sharing the story. I can’t wait to release it into the world.

My childhood life is one from dreams – it was nearly perfect. And yes, I am bragging a little. I’m extremely close with my family and have beautiful memories that will eventually be passed on to my children. I was always a little quiet and off exploring the world on my own. Though, I didn’t have much self confidence. Who knows why? It could just be the way my brain works. It seems as though my brother is very similar. Self doubt and always wanting, striving to be perfect. I never realized how similar our personalities were until recently. Anyway, a good, solid childhood with a little self doubt.

Throughout junior high school and high school, I went through your typical feuds with my girlfriends. All of that cliquey stuff that happens when you’re a teenage girl. The wall to protect yourself slowly starts building as your trust is broken again and again. This stuff happened to everyone, right? The desire to fit in, to be liked by your friends, by everyone? But as my psychologist told me recently, I’m sensitive. I remember every wrong that has been done to me. And this is true, oh so true. I can tell you vivid details of certain hurtful moments from friends all the way back to the days of making dirt pies. Terrible, right? I’m sure there is a beautiful side to being sensitive – I’m a people pleaser. The joy of making other people happy fills the self doubt in me. It may not always be the healthiest thing. I know this now but it’s how my brain works. As I’m sure, it’s how the brains of most anxious people works. I’m a sensitive old soul that takes every single moment in and stores it somewhere in a filing cabinet in my brain. (Yup, just like the cartoons.)

So, hold on tight until tomorrow.

Love,
BB

Revisiting the Mind.

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It’s not that I want to or need to forget what had happened, that would defeat the purpose of going through something that had changed me. It would be ignoring what had happened and essentially, I would be ignoring my feelings and thoughts. I’d be ignoring the person that matters to me most – myself.

I’m not quite ready to share the details of my story, but I’m ready to tell you that I’ve made some great strides and revelations over the past month. What had happened has been stored deep within my soul. The thought was always there and when the subject somehow came up, I’d talk about it nonchalantly. Again, pushing my mind to the side.

Six months ago, I decided to stop taking my fluoxetine (40mg) as my husband and I were open to the idea of becoming pregnant. We had previously discussed this with my doctors and knew it was in the best interest for everyone. So, we hoped and prayed. My husband kept his eyes peeled for the warning signs and nothing really popped up. I was a more loving wife with emotions again. I could feel, I was strong. I thought it was gone for good, that I had beaten anxiety. Then, it snuck up on me, quick and hard after four months of freedom.

The fall was a hard one. With each fall, I pick up new symptoms, new nervous ticks from the anxiety and panic attacks. It’s both harder and easier to get through it. I’ve been struggling to get back on my feet for two months now. Two weeks ago, the truth behind my anxiety came out. It came from a relationship from 10 years ago. So now, I’m revisiting the past and trying to find a way to deal with it – to make it okay in my mind. I’m now facing what I didn’t face 10 years ago. So here I am, pushing through the past to enjoy the present. Now, to schedule a day for grief, tears and pain . . .

Love,
BB

An Adventure to Live and Tell.

This world. This world is a hard place to live in. I’m here to share my story, to remember what happened and when this all started. Recently, I’ve opened up my mind to what has happened in the past and so many emotions and hurtful memories are pouring out -memories that I pushed aside and didn’t work through properly. 

So, why am I writing this, why am I sharing? I suffer from anxiety and depression. And I’m writing and sharing this because I feel like the subject is too quiet in our society. Our world doesn’t see it as a disease, rather, a character flaw. And I’m here to share how and why it’s not. 

Love, 
BB.